My friend Jonathan LaForce made a previous appearance here when he wrote about the wonderfulmess of the VA (typo semi-intentional). Sometime earlier in a private FB group, he wrote an extremely politically incorrect post riffing off the cartoon above. That writing deserves wider circulation so, with his permission, I am publishing this.

[Note: **The author wishes to note he wrote it as if he were a Battery gunnery sergeant lecturing his junior enlisted. In reality, he was honorably discharged as a corporal.** ]

Good morning Marines and Sailors! My name is Gunny Mormon and today I’ll be giving your lecture on this new piece of equipment you’ve all been issued. You’ll notice that base safety is not present. They’re busy dealing with a hazmat fire behind their office. Base EEO is also not present. They have been detained at the front gate after the bomb dog went to alert on their vehicle and they are going to be occupied for the next few weeks. Smoke ’em if you got ’em, or dip as you so choose. Pay attention and take notes, there is a test at the end of this.

Our first item is the Whiskey Mike, Mark 1 Mod 0 Charlie Golf series. NATO classification is “College Girl”. The College Girl has both pros and cons. College girls do need some lubrication. The manual says KY. This is wrong! From personal experience, I can assure you that you’ll need Pumpkin Spice series coffees and Ugg boots. Russian-made Vodka is also useful on occasion.

College Girls can do basic math, balance a checkbook, clean house, and aren’t bad at taking care of children. Sometimes can hold down a job depending on degree. Do not expect a lot of experience in the vertical position, generally good horizontal. You’ll need to spend more time at home with this one, in what’s called domesticity to get what you want. She needs stability. If you can provide that, you should be fine. Don’t bring your friends around a whole lot, or you’re likely to spend a lot of time staring at her from a distance.

Now, we see here on my new slide the Whiskey Mike, Mark 1 Mod 69 Bravo series. NATO classification is “Bimbo”. Bimbos can usually be found in pretty much any major shopping center. They are a high speed low drag multi-use tool capable of performing carnal acts in any and all positions. Bimbo models come with two implanted flotation devices that allow them to tread water for days. They are also experts at walking in extremely tall heels. You will never see a Bimbo model stumbling around like a newborn baby deer in 12 inch platforms.

It is a self lubricating model, which things easier in that regard. Don’t let that fool you though, the Bimbo model is high maintenance! It needs regular quantities of stilettos, manicures, pedicures, gym membership and Coco Chanel bags. You can make do with cheap club-wear for clothing. Understand that if you have a bimbo you must take care of it regularly. Or it will leave you. Also, Bimbos are bad at anything involving more than basic math, such as balancing a checkbook, cleaning a house, or taking care of children. Do not expect them to hold down a job either.

Third item of the day- the Whiskey Mike, Mark 1 Mod 69 Sierra Series. NATO classification is “Stripper”. Has all the same features of the Bimbo series, but it can hold down a job in the entertainment industry. More likely to be on it’s third or fourth legal user, it will often carry scars from cesarean surgery, smokes Pall Malls or Silver Turkeys and has a high tolerance for Jack Daniels.

Take a moment, stand stretch, chug another swig of Monster. We’re doing good so far Devil Dogs.

The fourth wife you can expect to be issued is the Whiskey Mike, Mark 1 Mod 2 Delta series. NATO Classification is “Dependapotamus.” These are the largest model you can expect to see. They mass 10 metric tons, have more body hair than Chewbacca, constantly demanding for privileges and recognition, they like trying to wear your rank, and they will be an embarrassment to you. Dramatic, arrogant, maniacal, these are the wives who call the FRO in the middle of deployments and demand to know why they haven’t heard from you in 4 days, never mind that you’re in the middle of a firefight and getting your ass shot off. The advantage to a Delta is that you’ll always have money because she doubles as a professional accountant and knows where every penny is. If you get one of these, your courses of action are either Order 66, or fix the issues. A Delta series can become a Charlie Golf or a Bravo series, you have to be willing to put in the time and headache and frustration. Chaplain Cox is here to help with that. On the other hand under other circumstances, a Charlie Golf or a Bravo series may evolve into a Delta series. You will regret this as will everyone else in your platoon, not to mention all officers and NCOs in your chain of command, so take extreme care to make sure this does not occur. Again Chaplain Cox is your instructor in this area.

Whiskey Mike Mark 1 Mod 9 Hotel series “Battleaxe”. Can do advanced math, balance a checkbook, manage a house, care for young children, can and will beat teenagers like a pinata, can hold down a job and look presentable at church and public functions. Has been on more campaigns than you have. Tougher than Texas toilet paper, will take exactly no shit off of anyone. You have to put in the time to domesticate this model. But pays off in anticipation of household action plans and personal initiative. This model will get shit done when happy. When she’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy. When she breaks out the tears, be aware. You are about to unleash levels of crazy you have never experienced before. This model will wage open warfare on your friends, neighbors and in laws and family when provoked. Promiscuity level varies from behind closed doors to flirtations in public. Requires adequate supplies of Bud Light, Jack Daniels, barbecue and reality television.

Wife number six is the Whiskey Mike Mark 2 Mod 0, Unicorn Series. These wives are issued in very select lots. They combine the best features of all prior series. Smart, well-dressed, athletically fit, they are capable, competent and stand on their own two feet quite well. Most have held not only jobs, but management positions quite ably. Unicorns don’t need you around, they want you around. Unicorns are patient, tolerant to a point, and make some of the best damn chow you’ll ever sink your teeth into. Don’t expect her to be as openly promiscuous as the Bimbo or Stripper series. They save that for when you’re at home and the bedroom door is closed. At which point, you’re going to find out this model has more kinks than you can imagine. Never cease to be loyal to a Unicorn and you’ll never have to worry about that part of your life ever again. Unicorns are worth every penny.

Whiskey Mike Mark 2 Mod 1 Whiskey series. The Warrior. Comes in one of four models: Alpha-Army, November-Navy, Mike-Marine Corps, and Foxtrot-Air Force. Appearance of these models varies widely based on environmental conditions. She comes with an inherent understanding of the military culture and a uniform of her own. These models tend to exhibit a high degree of intelligence and drive, but may also display unnerving amounts of aggression when they or their families are threatened. They tend to be highly competent, but also extremely busy, as they have military demands placed directly upon them independent of what the family needs. Members issued one of these models will need to be prepared to make sacrifices and compromises to their own careers on occasion. Promiscuity varies by individual serial number and number of deployments served. Comes with the benefit of doubled pay.

As with all things government issue, make sure to take good care of your issued item. Otherwise the government will take it back and you will be charged for your neglect.

This concludes my period of instruction.